This weekend has been off right from the start I think. MIL and I finally had "words". Its been a long time coming, but certainly wish it had gone a bit more smoothly. And it all started over something so silly...
I was told by DH that she had bought gifts for my daughter and labeled half of them from Santa. My Mother in law, had not talked to me about this, but ever since my daughter was born, Santa only brings ONE gift to our house for each person and fills the stockings. This is the way that we have done it right from the start. Every year, when my daughter sees santa, she asks for ONE gift.. Even if she sees him 10 times, she only asks for the one gift.. thats it. I emailed my mother in law a nice email, asking if she would mind to switch the presents to just say from her and her husband. I explained the tradition and how we do it.
She phoned our house at 12am, demanding to speak to my husband. I explained he was sleeping. I ended up calling her back, saying that shes obviously mad at me, and that her and I should talk about things, as obviously things have been left unsaid for too long. She basically freaked out, yelled at me, said that i never let her do anything with my daughter (which is completely false) and a bunch of other things that I wont bore you with the details.
She ended the conversation with telling me to "F**K off" and hung up the phone. I went to bed that night, still remaining calm and very confused. I honestly did not intend for things to get so crazy.
She called the next day, I answered, and again she demanded to speak to dh. She told him to come and pick up our daughters presents. After he hung up and told me, and said that he did not want to go, he asked me to call her back and tell her that. I did. I called her and told her he was not coming, and explained again, that its between her and I with our issues, and my husband should not have to pick sides or be dragged into the middle of this. I again asked that we talk in person and sort things out. I always remained calm, did not yell, did not swear.. can't say the same for her. I pointed out a few things, as did she, and I said that we are both at fault and we need to work it out.
She basically said that shes never coming over again, that she spent the last 10 years of christmas alone and will do it again (DH moved from ON the minute he was old enough and moved here to BC).
Again, none of this was intended, I tried two times to fix it, and talk with her, but she wont have anything of it. I just dont get her, or how to deal with her. We have been at odds for 11 years. She basically does what she wants and expects people to follow along with her wishes. her kids, knowing how she reacts when they dont just kinda go along with it. I am the first one to stand up and say "no more". I refuse to be this womans doormat.
I know it all boiled over with the whole Santa thing, which I do understand is not "important" and I should have compromised, BUT she does this sort of thing all the time. Just does things and expects me to go along with it.
Its been two days, I figured she would calm down enough that we could talk.. nope...
So.. any suggestions? All opinions, are good.. perhaps there is a lesson here for me to learn, but because I can't read myself, I can't see it:)
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5 comments:
It's my opinion that you should not compromise on this issue! Your MIL is way out of line on this issue.
Your traditions should be respected if she wants to be part of your Christmas traditions and celebrations. We also have our own traditions including the same Santa tradition that you. We let it be known since my first son's birth that what our traditions are and if they want to be apart of our Christmas then they have to abide by them. Both my dh and I have divorced parents that have remarried. We ran all over the place while single to see everyone. However, when our sons were born we refused to this and told everyone that we would show up for the Christmas Eve get-together or weekend get-together, but that we were done running all over creation and that Christmas Day was just for us and our children. Rick and I remember being dragged out away from all our new toys going to house after house on Christmas Day and we didn't want that for our children. The only person that had a problem with it was my sister because she was doing exactly what we refused to do and told us we were being selfish. I told her maybe so, but my kids would be coming first not every one else.
I disagree that your dh should be left out of it. If he feels the same as you then he should very much be apart of this discussion with your MIL. You have to both show a united front or she won't get it and try to play you both off against each other.
Unfortunately, the holiday season brings out the worst and the best in people. Your MIL needs to realize that your daughter isn't hers to raise, and that if she wants to be apart of these holidays she needs to accept your traditions.
Good Luck with this one!
I think that your MIL is completely out of line. That is your daughter and she needs to respect how you do things. I agree with the previous post that if your DH feels the same way as you, he should speak his mind. If you MIL won't talk to you on the phone try sending her an e-mail or a letter explaining your side of everything. I hope that everything works out! GOOD LUCK
I also agree with the other posters. I don't feel like you're being unreasonable at all. She has had the time to raise her children the way she would like, and now it's time for you to do the same. I think that if you were to give in, then she would just keep trying to "test her limits" so to speak. Does she have an email address? If so, maybe you could try that. It's always easier to put things down on paper, and then you don't have the yelling back and forth (or on her part, mostly). I don't really know what else to say. Maybe she just needs a little more time to cool down. I hope things work out for you!
I put up with a lot of crap from my MIL too, she made me feel like I was a bad mom and basically retarded. In fact she tells everyone my son is autistic, and he's not! My FIL is a clinical psychiatrist, and he even told her my son is not autistic at all. But she kept telling people that, and that it's my fault because I do this or that as I parent. We finally had it out, and I told her I'm not going to let her walk on me anymore. Good for you for doing the same. Stick to your guns or she will take advantage!
Hey Cheri
All I can say is good for you for standing up for yourself. You draw the line at this stuff not her. And if you have to step on toes to do so well so be it. She is out of line. It's just too bad she doesn't get it. I'm sorry your going through this. Take care!
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