Now I am in the mood for fun, so going to make this giveaway a very easy one to participate in. All you have to do to be entered to win one of Brooke777 readings and one of mine, is to write a funny joke in the comment section. Isn't that easy? And if you can find a joke about trying to conceive or pregnancy even funnier! You dont even have to make it up, google something and copy and paste it. If you think its funny, then its good thing to submit!
I will choose a winner randomly from the people who put their comment in the comment section, and will post tomorrow who wins Brooke777 reading and who wins mine.
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Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
______________________________________...
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________...
The Baby clothes:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________...
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing
______________________________________...
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________...
Nappy changing:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________...
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________...
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
______________________________________...
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________...
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!
______________________________________...
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone
who KNOWS someone who has had children . .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!
......The Smiths were unable to?
conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm
off now, the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time, I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
the photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
2 olives where restling on the counter. They got close to the edge and one of them fell off onto the floor. The one on the counter rolled over to the edge and looked down at his friend and asked "Are you ok?" To that the second one replied.....................................................................................................................................
"OLIVE"!!!
Q: What do you call it when your evil coworker that has always told you your IF was "God's plan" finds all four tires slashed when leaving the house?
A: Justifiable.
Q: What do you call it when an unsupportive friend who got upset you didn't attend HER pretty in pink baby shower goes to the hospital a delievers a boy by surprise?
A: Karma
Q: What's black and blue and red all over?
A: My arm, I just started treatments again.
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant woman who underwent IF treatments?
A: Dedication.
Q: What's the difference between Repronex and Menopure?
A: No seriously, I'm asking. I just do what they tell me to these days.
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
- Lyuda
P.S. Marla's are funny too hehehhe
3 women are sitting in an OBGYN office talking about their pregnancy. The first one says "I know I am having a girl because I was on the top during conception" The 2nd one says "I must be having a boy then because I was on the bottom during conception" The 3rd one burst into tears. The other 2 ask her what is wrong. She says "I must be having a puppy"
A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.
The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!"
The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?"
The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?"
The nurse replied, "Denephew!"
___________________________________
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.
I just have to start off by saying that I love this joke- My middle name is Denise and my Aunt always said your Denise and to my brother your Denephew...then I found the original joke...so I got a good kick out of it (although probably more so then other people will...but enjoy)...Courtney
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew. "
Labor pains
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. The husband was a little worried about this, but wanted to help out so he agreed.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, telling the husband that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he had experienced ever before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine. The doctor looked a little bewildered and adjusted the machine to give the father 20 percent of the pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and heart rate and all seemed perfect. They decided to transfer 50 percent of the pain to the father.
The husband continued doing well and started making wisecracks about how women complain so much about labor and it really wasn't a big deal. In fact, he was willing to take all the pain! The doctor turned the switch to 100 percent. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and she and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their doorstep!
A lady from a foreign country who could not understand much English wasn't feeling well and went to see her doctor. After examining her he said, "You are pregnant. Please understand that you have an insufficient passage and if you have a baby it will be a miracle."
The lady rushed home crying and told her husband, "The doctor says I'm pregnant and I have a fish in the passage and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel!"
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Look Up Before You Sit Down
- This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
Fatal Things to Say If Your Wife is Pregnant
* "I finished the Oreos."
* "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
* "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
* "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
* "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
* "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
* "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
* "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
* "Get your *own* ice cream."
* "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
* "Got milk?"
* "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
* "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."
Actual stupid questions asked in court:
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A:I'll be 3 months on March 12th.
Q:Apparently the dat of conceptions was around January 12th?
A:Yes
Q: What were you doing at that time?
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